it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize