Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
