Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
