i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Mom said you looked used
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
there is glitter all over my balls
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