You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
