My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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