Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
