I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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