All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
