remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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