dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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