Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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