u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
