I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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