I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
