Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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