i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
