he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
