I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
