I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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