My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
