I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
