Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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