Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
