I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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