there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
