i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
