I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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