I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
