Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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