Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
