Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
