I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
organizing the empties. That sober.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
