glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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