is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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