3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
