I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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