Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
That's how pantless uber rides happen
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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