Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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