I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
