he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
