I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
