I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize