I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
