the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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