when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
