and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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