I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
