i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
