just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
