I swear she didn't look like that last week.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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