I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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