i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
