he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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