i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Shame - the story of my life.
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