I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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