My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
