So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
This is the prime rib incident all over again
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
