Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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